My suitcases are packed and sitting in the dining room. I have emptied and cleaned 99.5% of all my cupboards and cabinets. A few errands tomorrow, last trip to the gym, a shot in the arm (some sort of vaccine), and finish my taxes. Then it’s all over but the crying.
Wow. Two and half months. It feels like forever, but it flew by also.
I still haven’t crossed over the line yet. I haven’t quite separated. I’m still very comfortable in my own home. And THAT is weird. I am moving. Selling the house. Leaving. But my house still looks exactly like it did 6 months ago. The drawers are empty but the party rages on. I’ll walk out the door on Tuesday morning and leave my house whole. It will only be after I am away that it will be sold, cleared out, reoccupied. I will come home to strangers in my house and no key. WTF? That part is really weird, but it’s also really good because it is going a really long way to making this journey easier. Just as I enjoyed leaving Morocco the last time in baby steps, I am happy to be rejoining the country in baby steps.
I sold my car a few weeks ago. I’m using a rental right now. I said my goodbyes to my little love, and I am getting updates on her progress. I knew we would miss each other deeply. And I feel sad. But I am getting accustomed to the quiet and I’m appreciating her new family for their respect of my process as well as their thoughtful updates on how she is doing. It’s a great match and I’m so thankful.
I have seen many of my friends and loved ones. I’ve had to miss a few people for various reasons and I’m sorry for that. But I have really enjoyed spending quality time with my friends and family. I don’t know if it’s me – maybe I haven’t been paying attention. Maybe it’s just the circumstance of us knowing it’s the last time we will see each other for a good while. I really enjoy the long deep tight hugs. The look in the eyes. The genuine affection I have been able to share through this goodbye process. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – I love this connection that I have enjoyed, right before the separation. I wish it happened more. The next time you see someone you care about – hug them harder and look them in the eye. Wish them well. It’s gold.
And the support and love and words of encouragement from absolutely everyone …..I’m so grateful to be associated with so many lovely, wonderful people. I appreciate the support, and worry, and concern, and love. It will keep me grounded as I move forward. Very much. With all of you in tow.
I’m trying to envision the next week and plan my days a bit. Imagine myself doing things in my new city. Getting my bearings. Thinking about the months to come and planning different trips with people. But it still seems so far off. So foreign. Such an abstract concept. I have one more day to get it together. I am confident I will be ready to go when the time comes, but for now I’m just enjoying being a Canadian in wintery and familiar surroundings with lots of love and good Internet. Things will change dramatically soon enough. Hell it occurred to me tonight that I am not going to be in town long enough to enjoy another movie!